In which Alison reflects: Or "If I can save even one life, I feel like I've had a purpose"

My time at the hospital is rapidly coming to an end, and I have that horrible "Oh, my God it's the last time I'll do this or that!" feeling that I remember so well from high school, Morocco, college, and basically prepping to leave anywhere where you've been happy. Making it worse is the fact that I've just started to feel like I've gotten the hang of things, drawing Dr. Gigi out of her shell, asking more questions of Dr. Banu, knowing when to go look for a delivery and where to stand to get the best view in surgery without earning dirty looks from the nurses. Even the old midwife says good morning to me now, and at first she gave me death glances whenever I approached! I guess that's always the way it goes, and I am getting excited to start the next phase of my trip (and to come home!), but days like today make me realize how much I've been privileged to see.

Today, I was with Dr. Banu and it was exceptionally quiet. There are no appointments, patients just come as they will for what they will, and by some fluke only four families came in the three hours of outpatient care (OP). Dr. Banu ordered coffee for us from the canteen, and I asked her what lead her to pediatrics, knowing that she would say that she loves children (it's obvious from the way she lights up). She told me that she's the youngest of four children, and her oldest sister died of a childhood illness before she was born. She doesn't know what it was, her mother describes convulsions and high feaver, but she isn't a very educated woman and three was no doctor in her village then. Her mother still talks about her sister, how wonderful she was, what a good child and how she was "fair, with black hair down to here", and is still very depressed thinking about her. Dr. Banu is the only doctor in her family (I know her living sister is a nun, and the brother I don't know) and she wanted to spare other families the pain that her mother lived through. I've seen her passion, especially when talking to mothers about breast feeding. It can be a matter of life and death here, sometimes, since formula is made with water that might lead to diarrhea and dehydration. She was so proud of saying how she has never written a prescription for formula, even though it would bring more money into the hospital.

I felt wonderful that she would share this story with me, and it surprised me because I had grown used to thinking of the doctors as a very privileged group (which they are now, I suppose), but I forgot that they...came from somewhere? That's weird to say, but I can't really be more definite about the feeling. Anyway, it was a lovely afternoon and after we had lunch and I discovered new India food that I love (Paneer Buji, kind of like scrabbled cheese with onions, tomatoes, and peppers.) I have resolved to try a new food every day until I leave, so I will let you know on future experiments.

In most ways this has been pretty much just what I wanted, enough support to feel grounded, enough freedom to feel like I wasn't caged in. It also cemented the fact that nursing is the right area for me to be in. I'm so fascenated by everything that the nurses do, and I find myself enjoying most the times when I am most involved with them, even if just waiting for a baby or preparing injections. Nurses here don't even do half of what they do at home (doctors do much more patient education and direct contact), but it's still their work I am more drawn to. I havn't figured out what area I'm most intersted in, though. I've gotten to really enjoy surgry, though I know that's not where I'll end up. Still, it's amazing to be able to see all those things that are just labeled in textbooks up close and in person.

I'm rambling, arent I? In case you havn't figured it out yet, some of the blog is more for me than for you all. I'm trying to help myself remember the facts here, so I don't have to feel bad that I can't keep a journal to save my life. If anything is confusing or unclear, though, let me know in the comments.

Next time, I'll post my itinerary for my travels.